On winter

photo (2)

oh hi!

If you have been wondering where I’ve been since I last blogged like 2 months ago (really really hard to believe how fast the time goes), don’t. I’ve been nowhere except the black hell that is the winter.

Every winter, I marvel at all humans who have not yet moved to California, and judge their intelligence and understanding of the notion that they have free will (even though I am one of them). I think: why do you put up with this? Why do you LIVE like this? Do you know that you don’t HAVE to live like this? That every year, for 4 months, you don’t have to stay inside your house because getting dressed and going outside is straight up physical abuse? That you don’t have to live in a place where when you walk outside, darts of freezing cold wind literally STAB your body and whip your face and slap you around, and where leaving your home makes you shiver and ache and recoil into yourself, hoping that maybe by keeping your head down and squeezing your skin closer into your ribs, you might make it to your car without WANTING TO FUCKING DIE.

I look around, at all these people and think: do they know??? Do they have instagram? Do they UNDERSTAND that it LITERALLY DOESN’T HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS. THAT as we fight snow storms, and trudge through piles of frozen ROCKS, spraining our ankles and falling on hips and having heart attacks from shoveling all this FROZEN WATER………..that humans in California are L.I.T.E.R.A.L.L.Y. on the beach.

Like LITERALLY, SUN TANNING.

LITERALLY walking to their cars in tee shirts.

LITERALLY DOING YOGA ON SAND.

LITERALLY SKIPPING THROUGH THE AIR, KICKING THEIR HEELS UP, RUNNING NAKED DOWN STREETS.

BECAUSE THEIR PHYSICAL ENVIRONMENT ISN’T LITERALLY BEATING AND ABUSING THEM.

That THERE IS no external obstacle to walking out their own front door. That opening their door doesn’t mean DISCOMFORT, DANGER, injury, hell, and certain death.

HELL ON EARTH.

That getting to their car doesn’t entail SHOVELING MATTER. Like their car isn’t buried beneath a literal ICE-HARD, ROCK-HARD barrier of physical MATTER that they have to EMBARRASS and degrade themselves CUTTING through, with little plastic tools – JUST TO DRIVE TO FUCKING WORK – AT THE RISK OF THEIR APPENDAGES LITERALLY FALLING OFF. LIKE THEIR BLOOD LITERALLY CEASING TO FLOW TO THEIR FINGERS AND THEM FREEZING OFF AND LOSING USE OF THEIR HANDS.

AND WE ALL JUST PUT UP WITH IT.

ALL OF US LIKE IDIOTS, walk around, just waking up every day and literally  ACCEPTING the abuse. Just like. Accepting it. AS THOUGH CALIFORNIA DOESN’T EXIST.

As though there isn’t a state in the union where winter doesn’t exist.

I mean sometimes it is literally hard to believe. When I am in Washington, D.C. (WHICH DOESN’T EVEN HAVE BAD WINTERS COMPARED TO NEW YORK, NEW HAMPSHIRE, CONNECTICUT, MASSACHUSETTS, ETC.), and I have just walked to my car, and my fingers are LITERALLY ON THE VERGE OF LOSING THEIR ABILITY TO WORK, and there is a storm – some toolish fucking storm called like “Bianca” or “Timothy” and ALL anyone has talked about for days has been Bianca, and Bianca is threatening to end life as we know it (and practically does), and we all FUCKING STOCKPILE SUSTENANCE because Winter is a REAL THING that threatens to close business and halt supply of groceries and freeze pipes and and make the heat stop working and kill us all, and threaten the lives of our newborn and elderly populations, and we all live in fear like we have an abusive husband, and then Bianca hits; literally strikes; and roads are shut down and people can’t leave their homes for 4 days and homeless people die and cars slide on ice and we’re all living at the mercy and whim of LITERAL SNOW; and I’m getting into my car because at some point you still have to go to work, and scrolling through instagram because it’s the only glimmer of hope and life I have when the natural world around me has literally FROZEN, LIKE AN ICE-WORLD, LIKE ALL LIFE HAS CEASED TO EXIST, AND THE MUD, THE TREES, THE WALLS, THE AIR, ARE JUST LITERAL CHARDS OF ICE; and I scroll through instagram, and am faced with the visual proof – the UNDENIABLE REALITY – that  REAL LIVE HUMANS in California (on instagram) are LITERALLY

L

I

T

E

R

A

L

L

Y

NAKED ON A BEACH.

At the same VERY moment that I have just broken up sheets of knife-sharp ice, with the strength of my hands, that have frozen over my windshield 4 inches deeps, like I am Thor; freeing my car up from this hostile shell of natural matter that has cased over it, BURYING it, attempting to bury its existence, trembling as frozen air burns the edges of my ears, provoking all microscopic portions of exposed skin; as I am on the DEFENSIVE just to live my life -

At that same moment. There are humans in LA,

Having coffee in the sun.

In shorts hiking Runyon Canyon with their fucking dog.

Having god damn PICNICS ON MOROCCAN WEDDING BLANKETS.

I am faced with the reality that:

THEIR PHYSICAL WORLD HAS NOT FROZEN AND DIED. That winter doesn’t mean DEATH where they are.

Nothing has died.

THE TREES ARE STILL GREEN.

GREEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOT DEAD.

The plants ARE FUCKING ALIVE.

THE TREES HAVE LEAVES.

THE GRASS IS GREEN .

THE AIR IS WARM.

FLOWERS ARE PURPLE AND PINK AND THERE. THEY ARE THERE. YOU CAN SEE THEM.

THAT THEIR SKIN ISN’T CRACKED, DRY, PEELING OFF, AND BLEEDING.

THEY DONT HAVE A LAYER OF FAT ON THEIR BELLIES BECAUSE WINTER HASN’T MEANT THAT THEY CAN’T LEAVE THEIR HOUSE SO ALL THEY DO IS DRINK HOT CHOCOLATE AND DONUTS.

THAT THEY’VE ACTUALLY WALKED OUT THE DOOR IN SUNDRESSES AND GOTTEN SMOOTHIES.

THAT THEIR CARS AREN’T BURIED.

THAT THEIR DOGS RUN FREELY OVER GRASS, FEELING THE BLADES BETWEEN THEIR SOFT TOES.

THAT HUMANS AND DOGS ALIKE ARE RUNNING AFTER FRISBEES.

THAT THEIR BODIES MOVE FREELY; NOT IN STIFF DEFENSE OF THEIR ORGANS AGAINST AN ATTACKER.

BECAUSE BIANCA DOESN’T EXIST IN CALIFORNIA.

THE SUN JUST NEVER STOPS SHINING EVER.

WINTER HASN’T MEANT THEIR DEATH.

THEIR ELEMENTAL WORLD ISN’T ATTEMPTING TO END THEIR LIFE.

AND it is in those moments that I am more stunned by the existence and acceptance of Winter than I might be by anything in the entirety of my life.

Like that California is not a Government lie.

And it’s not fake.

It’s a real state.

Where no one lives like CAPTIVES for 4 months out of the year.

THEY JUST LIVE. RUNNING NAKED THROUGH THE SAND. NOT DYING.

IN A PLACE WHEIR FINGERS AREN’T BLACK AND BLUE FROM ONE FUCKING MILLISECOND OF EXPOSURE TO THE AIR.

Everything is as it was.

THAT, as I shake, shiver, and shovel; they are SITTING ON PATIOS. IN SHORTS. NOT ADJUSTING THEIR LIVES TO ACCOMMODATE a physical world around them that has formed in the very opposition to the continuation of all human, animal, and plant life.

That their natural environment hasn’t become TREACHEROUS.

And yet we, in places that have winter, continue to accept winter, like it’s okay. Like it’s a totally normal fact of life to accept that our physical, natural world, will become a dark and sinister place, in opposition to everything that makes life easy to live.

WHAT. THE FUCK.

I judge all humans who accept winter.

I reject winter.

Talk to me about enjoying the cold; talk to me about there being different kinds of people in the world; talk to me about fireplaces! and sparkly magical snowflakes! And sledding! (also kill yourself). But THERE IS NOTHING THAT ANYONE ENJOYS and DESIRES about putting on 7-pound snow boots to carefully trudge through FEET of ice to watch their breath come out of their mouth in icy clouds as their cars struggle to start because it is a metaphor for the fact that even brilliant 21st century MACHINES can barely start their engines in frigid winter mornings because evolutionarily if you don’t have shelter in winter YOU DIE and that cars are not immune to the abuse. That no structure is immune. To winter. The ice, the snow, can cover, encase, erase anything, and we’re at its MERCY, in a CHOKEHOLD, just WILLINGLY GIVING INTO ITS DEMANDS.

ACTIVE PARTICIPANTS in its blackmail. Like heyyyy guys, I am going to make your life REALLY like….PHYSICALLY uncomfortable for the next 4 months; I’m going to make it, quite frankly, “un-fun” for you to do mostly everything you do – go to work, walk outside, grocery shop, walk to your car, attend a party, park outside. Because you’ll still do those things, but they will just be far LESS enjoyable when it’s 11 degrees and the wind is slapping your face.  And not only I am going to make the things that you HAVE to do un-fun (like grocery shop, walk outside, drive, park, etc.), I am also going to flat out TAKE AWAY – like literally eliminate your ability to even UN-FUNLY do a lot of the things you want & like to do – such as eating outside, taking walks, sitting in the park, reading outside, having a wedding or birthday party outside, etc. So it’s not even that you can do those things but they’ll just be less fun — You flat out just can’t do those things. Like you won’t be able to host an event outside. Like those things become non-options. Like restaurants take their patio chairs away. Like you can’t have your wedding or birthday party outside. And if you do, no one will come. And then even things like running or  biking for the most hardcore athletes – if not less fun or less of an option, they become at the very least, more dangerous. Like even if you insist on doing something, it will just factually be more dangerous. And I’ll also make travel — air travel, bus travel, train travel, car travel, way more dangerous and way more unpredictable. And also if you for some reason get lost, or your car breaks down, or you get stuck, you will literally will be at risk of dying. Like that is what I bring to the table as a season. As winter, most of things you enjoy doing become impossible, less fun, and more dangerous, and I hurt and kill. That is me. That is who I am.

And yet people CHOOSE to live in Boston.

AYFKMRN

ARE YOU LITERALLY

fucking kidding me right now

If you don’t move to California, at some point in your life, for the rest of your life, I simply can’t believe that you have a functioning brain. Or that you want to live. Because winter is, factually speaking, the death of life. And an abusive spouse that is straight up psychotic. A thief of joy, merciless, and legitimately threatening to your life. So.

See you in California.

9 Comments

Filed under Blog Essays

9 responses to “On winter

  1. I couldn’t stop laughing at this. Soo with you!! Just moved from DC to NC in October (legit panicking that I”d have to stay in DC another winter) and I’m still thanking God I’m here and it’s consistently 20 degrees warmer. No regrets, just happiness and relief I can enjoy actually being a real person and going outside!

  2. OMG yes. Yes to all of the above. I’ve never even been to California and all winter I’ve just be planning my move. Like legit looking for jobs, and apartments. Because I really don’t think I can do this again.

  3. as a native Californian (I’ve lived in LA my whole life, except when I went to Berkeley), I cannot even imagine what it would be like to live anywhere where there’s ACTUAL WEATHER. that said, pretty sure global warming is gonna kill us californians first

  4. I could have written this post myself. With every line I was either laughing or shaking my head in agreement. Every time I go to Cali to visit, my mom asks if I’m coming back to the east coast. I’m hoping one time I will have the good sense to stay west.

  5. I grew up on the east coast, went to school in Pennsylvania and have spent the last three years avoiding winter for all the reasons you describe! You need to move ASAP! I live in Austin, TX now and while we do have maaaaaaybe a month of “winter” (we shut down this year for ICE!) from March until November it’s sunshine. And yes, summer is hot but you can live with it and things are waaay cheaper than California (I lived in Berkeley for year). And please post again soon! I love your blog.

  6. Pingback: GILDED LACE | Miss Lyle Style

  7. ok i cant stop laughing. you have actually succeeded in making me feel GUILTY because yes, i have notforonesinglesecond stopped doing any of the following since august: enjoying brunches on patios, walking around flea markets in sandals, wearing sundresses, and generally enjoying the sunshine in los angeles. theres not much else to say except im sorry, and i have a guest room, and i am not kidding if you want to take me up on that offer, because i live five minutes away from santa monica.

  8. Haha amen! I live in North Florida, so it’s not as warm and tropical as further down in the state, but it’s still warm/mild enough that l forget what it’s like to be cold. As soon as it gets “Florida cold” (laughable to some states) I remember how much it SUCKS and I cannot fathom living elsewhere and having to deal with real winter! I fully agree – it’s such BS when people say they like the cold. I mean, they may like the cozy culture we build around the cold–for a period, or even cool, crisp air, but when it’s truly freezing and harsh outside – that is hell. I’d probably be one of the first to eagerly die if I were stranded in some kind of frozen outdoor place, like those families that get lost in the woods. I’m already plotting my next life in South Florida. In theory I’m drawn to cold cities (like London) but really, there’s no where else I’d choose to live…except maybe California.

  9. jpm1029

    You belong in LA. Just get here already.

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